Days 96-97

Post date: Oct 2, 2016 2:36:25 PM


I've had this pull for a while now. Something I couldn't really explain. Then I went to my CoDa meeting last night. It was as they read the Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence that something clicked.

The first pattern is Denial. I didn't find myself too much in denial. I know what is going on, just not understanding it.

The next pattern is Low Self Esteem. I've battled with this my whole life. It is something I am constantly working on. I do not need the approval of others in order for my life to be successful. I'm learning this, slowly. I will get there. Yet this wasn't my issue.

The next is Compliance. Bells and whistles started going off in my head and heart. This is where I am faltering:

  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
  • I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
  • I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
  • I accept sexual attention when I want love.
  • I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
  • I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

This is where I am struggling the most. I am loyal to a fault and it is causing damage to myself and my family. Cutting ties with people who are unwilling to change is not a bad thing.

In Melody Beattie's book The Language of Letting Go for October 2nd it talks about letting family go, so you have time to heal and then if you want, letting them back on your terms in ways that do not cause you harm. I really needed to hear that last night.

I believe in the Church. It is the foundation of all that I am.

I've been settling for things in my life. Looking the other way and hoping for change. I can't change other people. I can, however, control the influence they have on my life.

I want to be loved. I want to be cherished. I want eternity. It is what I deserve and settling for less than that, isn't a good thing.

I've learned so much these past 90+ days. The biggest thing I have learned is that I have value. I matter.

Thank you for all your prayers. Legions of angels, thank you.