Days 74-78
Post date: Sep 12, 2016 6:00:20 PM
THURSDAY - MONDAY
I found myself in a really weird situation this weekend. I was knee deep into codependent people and it was really beginning to exhaust me. Friday night, it was a "I'm upset, but not going to tell you I'm upset, or what I need and then I'm going to get mad at you because you didn't realize I was upset or do what I didn't tell you I needed you to do." I'm glad I can't read minds. I really am. I had to spend time talking in "me" statements. This is what I need for you to do if you want me to understand. I need you to tell me what you want, not assume I can read your mind, body language, or nondescript sighs. It ended up being a pretty productive conversation, once the conversation actually began.
I went to see my therapist. She asked me what I was or how I saw myself. I didn't understand the question so she tossed out, "Child of God, Mother, Wife." I said first I see myself as a Daughter of God. After that, I see myself as a teacher. This whole being a mom and wife thing, I've got some relearning to do. The teacher part of me, I've got 4 degrees and 15 year's experience teaching and it is something I know I am doing correctly.
She mentioned I should find a codependency support group, so I did. You can find one for yourself here. It was odd to be surrounded by other codependents. Several came at the urging of others, only to find themselves nodding along.
I've tried a few programs so far. Al-Anon was interesting. As an adult child of an alcoholic, I can see how it would be useful, but I'm over what my parents have done to me. I can't change them and frankly, don't want them in my life, at this time.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Addiction Recovery Program was awesome and we talked a lot about our relationship with Heavenly Father. I'm pretty good with my knowledge of who I am. I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father. Also, the program focused on my having an addiction. I didn't choose to be codependent. It's not like I'm picking up a bottle and willfully drinking. I'm trying to undo my norms.
Going to CoDA was like a breath of fresh air. Sitting with people who knew what the craziness felt like, was amazing. Seeing happy recovering codependents was inspiring. We talked about what it was to be codependent, traits and self defeating beliefs. You can browse for yourself the Recovery from Codependence: A Brief Introduction. The meeting screamed, "This is you! This is who you are and what you do! You can heal! You can move forward! There is hope!"
I found myself in the Patterns of Recovery. Lots of stuff to read. Lots of stuff to digest. Going to take it one day at a time and work on being the best me I can be.
When I find myself standing on the road not knowing what to do, Heavenly Father places another pit stop on the road for me to explore. I really like this one. When asked why I was going to a support group meeting, the answer was easy, "I need support." I need to feel normal. I need to know I'm not the only one going through this. With 17.6 million alcoholics, that means there are at least 17.6 million codependent people, if only one person was affected by the alcoholic. If you add children and parents to that number, well, it was already staggering.
Healing is possible. Happiness is there.
Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.
May we all be humble seekers of happiness.