Days 68-72

Post date: Sep 6, 2016 8:25:50 PM


Xanthos sent me an email yesterday. This is what he said, "That is good. Glad they are home. I meant is how is it with grandpa over? Usually relatives over stresses you out a lot."

I remember days of panic. Screaming at the kids to clean up. Feeling like a total incompetent idiot. Sanity completely out the window. This is how I used to be when relatives came over. I'm sure they braced themselves for the worst. I even hyperventilated one Thanksgiving and had to go to the ER.

I wrote him back and told him, "I feel sane. Not crazy anymore."

I didn't much think about my father-in-law coming over. No worries at all. I did, however, ask my daughters to help me transfer books into crates, which led to me coaching Daxton through an "I can't fit" and yelling at Mali to stop bossing her brother around and just help. I'm pretty sure I cussed at some point. It wasn't rocket science, and even if it was, I'm pretty sure my kids would be able to do it. At the end of the day, talking with my husband, he made the comment that the effort to complain seemed to take more energy than just helping. I would agree.

I am happy to have my father-in-law at my home. I hope he has a wonderful trip.

I had a rather interesting moment with my girls. They had gotten into a fight about something. One started yelling. Another reacted. Screaming ensued. It was a mess. I stood on the steps between two of them, while the third tried to butt into the conversation. I tried to get them to apologize to each other. But one was busy playing the victim, who was right, and couldn't see that she had done anything wrong.

Codependent children are tough to deal with. I have two daughters who are both knee deep into codependency behaviors. One who is pretty non-codependent. So my non-codependent daughter and I sat in her room and talked. I asked her if she could see how her sisters didn't think they were doing anything wrong. How they couldn't see how their actions were so caustic? I told her, that was me, 70 days ago. I didn't see what I was doing or how I was acting. I thought I was just fine. I thought I was normal. I was so very wrong. My daughter actually believed me.

The argument led to my daughter and I sitting on her bed and the other two in the hallway, yelling at us.

I asked my oldest if she was happy. She said, "I'm not unhappy." I said those exact same words to my husband 4 months ago. Then she said, "I have moments of happiness." It's like she had listened in on our conversation 4 months ago, because that was my conclusion as well. The thing about being codependent is that you ARE NOT HAPPY. You are not taking care of yourself and you are not happy. There is no joy in your life. Those happy moments are usually fleeting and shrouded with other crap.

My youngest daughter yelled that she didn't accept my apology, that those words were empty to her. Meaningless. I politely informed her, in the past I would have screamed back, that it wasn't my problem she didn't accept my apology. It is only my place to sincerely give it. It is totally up to her to accept it.

One daughter crossed the door frame, while the other, stayed on her pissed off island.

I don't know everything. I don't claim to know everything. I'm working at this recovery thing. Who knows if I'm doing a good job or not. I have peace in my life. I do not worry about things. I have emotions. Which, sometimes sucks, but it's better then feeling numb.

I want to help people, who may be locked in the same hell I was in. I want to tell them, "JOY IS POSSIBLE!" It isn't a fleeting moment or a little here or there.

I want my daughters to love and take care of themselves. They screamed at me, about how I wanted to change them. I just want them to love and take care of themselves. That is the only cure for codependency. There is no magic pill or course to take.

Loving yourself isn't easy, especially if you don't particularly like yourself. While I don't love everything about myself, not sure if I even need to, I like enough about myself to want to take care of myself.

Currently, I just want to eat a brownie and take a nap. Seminary is kicking my butt.

So, if you are going through the steps, you are stuck, or you just want to know where to begin, look over the check list. Go over it, often, to see what else you can work on.

Men are, that they might have joy. 2 Nephi 2:25