Days 448 - 483
Post date: Oct 23, 2017 12:27:20 AM
Sunday - Sunday
Deep breath, it has been awhile! So very much has happened!
My son returned home from his mission. I can't tell you how amazing it is to hug your child after two years away! Best hug of my life! It has been an adjustment having him home. He left full blown codependent crazy and wasn't really sure what to expect when he came home.
Triggers are weird. One never does know how someone will react to a trigger. One of my children threw herself back into scapegoat role. If you don't know, most codependent homes have a scapegoat. This is the person who always does everything wrong. They are the ones you blame for everything. And yes, this child was the scapegoat, but hasn't been for over a year. After two very long weeks of codependent crazy from her, she came into my room and had a melt-down. She exploded about how she was the scapegoat. To which I responded, she had put herself into that role. Once acknowledged, crazy went away. The nice child in recovery was back. Peace was once again restored.
Everyone has felt some sort of trigger at his return. I have sadness for the mother I wasn't. It's important to note, he isn't in recovery. He hasn't worked the steps. I have caused him pain. He remembers all of it and at one point, I had to tell him to let it go. He can't get back what I took from him, but he can move forward. It's up to him to forgive me, all I can do is truly be sorry and try to be better. I'm trying.
I believe I won my first codependent challenge yesterday. It has been a very busy month. A return missionary, a soon to be missionary, a new extra job, a foreign exchange student, three birthdays, one baptism, and one endowment. The last three all in one day, well one birthday. It was an amazing day yesterday. At one point, I lost two hours and was way behind. I was panicked, but not crazy. I asked for help, assigned tasks, and everything got done. It was exhausting, but wonderful. I didn't yell, I didn't belittle. My husband actually said, and I quote, "Today was a lot less stressful than I thought it would be."
Recovery is amazing. It is a DAILY thing. Finding out you are codependent does not make it go away. You have to work the steps, every day. Take a moral inventory of the previous day, make amends, and be better. There is no wallowing in what was, it is moving forward, always moving forward.
I love this life. I love my family. I love the blessings I have received. I am so very grateful for recovery.
Don't wait. Don't kid yourself, it is better. It is amazing. It is far beyond just OK.