Post date: Jun 26, 2017 4:07:08 PM
WEDNESDAY - MONDAY
Officially, it has been 365 days, but my anniversary date is the 28. Two days away.
It has been a rough weekend. So, to set the stage, we were dog sitting, the washing machine quit working, the three dogs were bringing in mud, and it was everywhere and did I mention the washing machine was broken. I had mud in my bed, all over my floors, on my feet when I walked, it was everywhere. I couldn't wash anything, stuff was sitting, wet, and starting to smell. The puppies, although they love the mud were filthy. Like stinky filthy and I couldn't bathe them because that requires towels, which would need washing, which I couldn't do.
In the back of my mind were the following:
Not to mention my editor, whom is amazing, totally thrashed my story, so now I've pulled it off the market and am working on a full rewrite.
I'm starting menopause, about 2 months in to this beast and my hormones are really wonky. Apparently on Saturday, they went completely insane and I was so upset, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed. It was really bad. I just wanted to scream and cry. There was nothing I could do about it. I was totally out of control.
I felt it, I acknowledged it, but that didn't make it easier on my family. So Saturday, I told my husband that I needed him to either fix the washer or buy a new one, it wasn't anything I could deal with. I needed him to help me get the backyard less full of dirt and more other stuff, like dirt covered bark. I don't know why it took me a whole day to figure out I was being a victim, but it did. I was just so overwhelmed.
I'm working until 5 this summer. It makes for super long days and not a lot of down time. I have one day, Saturday, when I don't have things to "do," yet I find myself doing stuff for everyone else and not taking time for myself.
I was not a nice person for 1 day. I was really crabby, overwhelmed, and felt codependent crazy. Sunday, I had a great day at church. Mali spoke and it was awesome. I loved the lessons. At 3:00 I got to facilitate a class on financial literacy, it was a great class. I enjoyed it.
This morning, I went kick boxing, called the IRS and got all the paperwork printed to resend, got the kids and myself doctors and made appointments.
I still have a lot to do, but I need to really remember to STOP and ASK for help when I need it. I"m not on this journey by myself. By playing the victim and assuming helplessness, I push away help.
Angry words are said and then have to be taken back. Things get triggered from previous events.
Needless to say, I'm glad it is Monday. I can't believe I lived my life in such a caustic way. I am so very grateful to be in recovery.
Two days away from my anniversary. Let's have a party!