Days 360 - 365

Post date: Jun 26, 2017 4:07:08 PM


Officially, it has been 365 days, but my anniversary date is the 28. Two days away.

It has been a rough weekend. So, to set the stage, we were dog sitting, the washing machine quit working, the three dogs were bringing in mud, and it was everywhere and did I mention the washing machine was broken. I had mud in my bed, all over my floors, on my feet when I walked, it was everywhere. I couldn't wash anything, stuff was sitting, wet, and starting to smell. The puppies, although they love the mud were filthy. Like stinky filthy and I couldn't bathe them because that requires towels, which would need washing, which I couldn't do.

In the back of my mind were the following:

  • I still didn't have a doctor, because we switched insurances.
  • We got a letter from the IRS saying we were all paid up and then the same day another letter saying we owed $300.
  • I have thank you notes which need to get sent out from LAST week's class.
  • I've got to deliver t-shirts to campers because they came two days late.
  • I've got to check grades, create the slide show, and work my 2nd job.

Not to mention my editor, whom is amazing, totally thrashed my story, so now I've pulled it off the market and am working on a full rewrite.

I'm starting menopause, about 2 months in to this beast and my hormones are really wonky. Apparently on Saturday, they went completely insane and I was so upset, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed. It was really bad. I just wanted to scream and cry. There was nothing I could do about it. I was totally out of control.

I felt it, I acknowledged it, but that didn't make it easier on my family. So Saturday, I told my husband that I needed him to either fix the washer or buy a new one, it wasn't anything I could deal with. I needed him to help me get the backyard less full of dirt and more other stuff, like dirt covered bark. I don't know why it took me a whole day to figure out I was being a victim, but it did. I was just so overwhelmed.

I'm working until 5 this summer. It makes for super long days and not a lot of down time. I have one day, Saturday, when I don't have things to "do," yet I find myself doing stuff for everyone else and not taking time for myself.

I was not a nice person for 1 day. I was really crabby, overwhelmed, and felt codependent crazy. Sunday, I had a great day at church. Mali spoke and it was awesome. I loved the lessons. At 3:00 I got to facilitate a class on financial literacy, it was a great class. I enjoyed it.

This morning, I went kick boxing, called the IRS and got all the paperwork printed to resend, got the kids and myself doctors and made appointments.

I still have a lot to do, but I need to really remember to STOP and ASK for help when I need it. I"m not on this journey by myself. By playing the victim and assuming helplessness, I push away help.

Angry words are said and then have to be taken back. Things get triggered from previous events.

Needless to say, I'm glad it is Monday. I can't believe I lived my life in such a caustic way. I am so very grateful to be in recovery.

Two days away from my anniversary. Let's have a party!