Days 36-42

Post date: Aug 8, 2016 12:42:58 AM


I actually had FUN. FUN. Fun, what a weird concept. Saturday night, I went to a concert. The first one I've been to in 20 some years. I never went to concerts in the past. They were expensive. They were silly, frivolous, a waste of time. Saturday, I went to 21 Pilots with my husband and daughter. I danced unabashed the entire concert. When they said, "jump", I jumped. When they said, "throw your hands in the air", I did. It was awesome. I had so much fun. Fun. Imagine that.

On the way home, I asked my husband, if perhaps that was my inner child experiencing joy. He responded that it was a normal human experience. What a thought. I'm normal. LOL.

It has been an amazing week. I'm seeing more and more what my codependency has done to my family. Two of my daughters are knee deep into codependency. They are doing destructive things to themselves. They are not taking care of themselves. It is sad to watch. I can't make them change or even listen to a book, which will help them. Instead, I have to watch them be codependent and simply tell them to love themselves. Take care of yourselves, you are worth it.

I see certain codependent behaviors with my husband, as well. He told me that codependency seems to be my new bandwagon. Well, I am in recovery.

A friend stated that the word codependency might be a bit harsh for my daughter and for my daughter, so my main focus for her will be to love herself. Take care of herself.

During prayers, my daughter was complaining about some ailment, which didn't really exist, but she has to be in a constant state of woe. I pointed out it was a codependent behavior and caught myself before I said any more. My daughter, of course, said it wasn't. So I just said, "you need to love yourself, you need to take care of yourself." To which my other daughter said, "Ya, what have you eaten today? You need to take care of yourself."

My daughter quickly stopped complaining. We are right. She knows that. I know I can't make choices for her, but I can guide her. Care taking is bad. She is my child and I am obligated to give her care, love, and support. That's the difference. She has to make her own choices and I can be there to support her and give her guidance.

I've learned so much and have so far to go. I've really done a number on my family. It makes me really sad.

Earlier this week, my younger codependent daughter was yelling at me, blaming me for her being codependent. I quickly stated the fact that, yes, I am the reason she is codependent. I however, did not choose to be this way and now that I know I am, have been working hard to stop. She can blame me all she wants, but the fact remains, she needs to learn to love and care for herself. It's sad to see her in the state of war all the time. Anger, just below the surface, ready to explode at any moment.

I'm just going to not worry. It doesn't change anything anyway. I'm going to pray and rely in the Spirit to help me know what to say and what I can do to help her.

The Spirit is an amazing ally.

I love my family, but most importantly, I love myself. I have peace in my life, still. I am full. I am happy and I am having fun. Imagine that.

If you haven't started this journey, start today. Start the 12 Steps. Work them. Find peace.