Days 358 - 359

Post date: Jun 20, 2017 6:34:53 PM


Best conversation with my son.

ME: Hello Beautiful, On pins and needles wondering what is going on! How did your meeting go? How are you feeling? I LOVE YOU!!!

SON: Hi mom!

The meeting went really well! I've got a temple recommend and I felt very loved during the meeting. He apologized for being rude. He called and apologized on Tuesday as well. Then the meeting Saturday went well.

I'm ok.

Love you too!

Ps. I am going to start going to counseling.

ME: Awesome! We have been praying for you!! I caused a lot of damage in the lives of those I love.

SON: Thanks for praying for me! I love you! You are a good person. President said you beat yourself up really bad in the conversation. I love you!

ME: I own what I have done. I'm not sugar coating it. Never want to go back to that person.

SON: That's fair. I love you still though. He said something along the lines of I know how you feel but not to the extent you do and I'm sorry.

ME: The coolest thing is NOW I can accept that love and return love. It's cool!!! I want you to be able to form healthy relationships. It is so important. So much has changed the past two weeks. Triggers have revealed themselves and we have worked through stuff in a wonderful way. Things that would have destroyed us, didn't. I think Dad is finally feeling what his role is in our family and with me. I'm not sure he knew what that looked like before. Life is good! I LOVE YOU!

SON: Yeah! Wait what happened? Is everything ok? What's going on??? Explain more please!

ME: So I got sick, a cold and when I was sick, I couldn't do much. As a codependent I would do stuff anyway and just suck it up. So your dad had to "learn" when I am sick maybe he can help by bringing home dinner. Then one day I was sad. Your dad thought I was mad at him, but I wasn't. The next day I got upset with him. I told him when his wife is sad, he should bring her flowers or candy or something. Show extra love instead of getting upset. So the next day he brought home flowers and candy. Just two things that made him realize how to be a husband in a normal setting. Make sense?

SON: Yeah that makes sense. So it wasn't like the world got shattered then. I was worried for a bit. Have you ever noticed how much emotions effect wellbeing? Just a thought. So things are going well? That's good.

ME: So, your dad got mad and slept on the couch, so yes, in the past it would have been bad, but it was just fine. We don't yell anymore. That gut wrenching feeling, is a trigger. Reacting to something in the past. We are doing REALLY REALLY Well, like amazing. It is still funny how triggers come into play.

SON: That is cool! No offense, but that is really hard to believe. Like that is crazy. It sounds wonderful. I can't imagine our home without yelling.

ME: Ok, so Mali and Daxton sometimes yell, but nothing really from anyone else. No yelling. Generally, not even "COME AND EAT" Yelling kills the spirit.

SON: Yeah that's awesome! Holy cow

ME: We haven't yelled for months. I don't even get mad anymore. Like, not at all. I do get upset and then we talk about stuff, but no ape shit crazy yelling.

SON: that's really unbelievably awesome! holy cow I didn't think that we would ever achieve that point. I didn't realize how much progress has progressed!

ME: lol. And we are past the point where it will go back to the way it was. There truly is peace at home. It's amazing. Hence, The I can't wait for you to come home to a healthy home!!!

SON: Yeah. it is hard to believe that I will be able to go home to a place as remarkable as you say it is. I hope I don't negatively tip the equilibrium.

ME: How could you do that? I think it is remarkable. Grandpa and Grandma actually like coming from Utah to stay. We have fun. It is calm and peaceful.

SON: I don't know its just a nagging doubt that it just can't or won't be as good as I want it to be. like I want it to be true, it just seems foreign if I'm being honest. it sounds too good!!

ME: If you don't believe me ask your siblings I showed Mali your email and she said well it is nice and it is true so coming for Mali that means a lot because she is absolutely amazing. It isn't perfect but it's healthy

SON: that's awesome! Like really awesome. like honestly hard to imagine. I'm excited.

ME: There was a time when I thought I would wake up and it would all go back to the way it was but that didn't happen

SON: idk its silly I just don't know what will happen when I get thrown back into the mix. but I love you! I am excited to see how wonderful things are back home! and to see you all and how you have grown

ME: No anger no malice no hatred

SON: that sounds so nice

ME: It is. Remember how happy I always was at Marist?I'm just as happy to be home. Home is a safe place now. Don't know if it ever was for you.

SON: Yeah. I remember how happy you were at Marist. which always felt weird to me how clashing they were. I don't think it was. It is going to be nice to be able to have that in my life.

ME: Yup. Now I'd rather be home with the people I love and the people who love me. I do more for those at home and less for the world. I write and create for myself. I encourage the hopes and dreams of my family. You do not have to be an orthodontist

SON: oh man. sorry I failed that one whoops :P

ME: I love you. Be what makes you happy. Gods plan for you is amazing!!

SON: Lol. I will try. I thinks his plan for me is pretty perfect!

ME: Know that home is a happy healthy place.

SON: A happy dream to return to

ME: I've been telling you for a while did you not believe me

SON: It's just very very nice

ME: It is better than nice. It is amazing. Not perfect but amazing. Plus we have a squatty potty in every bathroom.

SON: Yeah. It sounds nice

ME: I think so. Now if only the washing machine would work. Lol. We have to bring the old one upstairs and it's so heavy. Will be an all family thing.

SON: That's cool. I've moved my fair share of washers and dryers in my mission. Some solo. Have fun! I'm glad that there isn't any craziness. Peace sounds much nicer.

ME: And your sister has it too. She had so much fun at girl's camp. First time not codependent. When you look at the list of codependent traits, I think it is the 2nd section in that book, maybe the third, I was 95% of the things on that list. Now, I'm nothing on that list. not even "from a bad home" or whatever that says. No, I can't change that, but it no longer defines me. I'm not a victim anymore.

SON: That's awesome! I remember girls camp being super stressful for her. Glad you are happy and not on the list anymore!

ME: I love you!

SON: Thanks mom! I love you! I'll go through it. All will be well! Have a great week yourself!