Days 318 - 330

Post date: May 22, 2017 10:56:39 PM


Oh my, so very much has happened! The end of the school year is always super busy for teachers. At the end of each school year, I put together a rather large slide show of senior pictures. For the past two years, I've put together two shows, one a "Guess the Baby" and the other a "Life of each student." This year, I was amazed at how stressed I wasn't. I, not only got the slide show done in record time, but I was able to add additional Halloween and Prom pictures. I believe the shows turned out beautifully.

I had my year end review and for the first time in ten years, I was excited to see ways I can improve. I didn't feel like a failure. It was never the way my boss presented the review, it was more what I thought of myself. I never wanted to put myself out there. I didn't what to know what I was doing wrong and if I lived in my own little world, I was perfect.

I no longer feel like I'm two different people or a fraud. I want to be a better teacher. I'm planning on spending the next year working on meeting with other teachers and collaborating on different ideas. I want to showcase what I teach by combining it with learning in other classrooms. I'm excited for the challenge!

I had an amazing Mother's Day. I was able to spend time with my family. I feel so loved! I got to talk to my missionary son! It was awesome to see him! He's such an amazing man! He comes home in four months and five days! I'm so excited for him to come home to a healthy home. I feel like we have a healthy home. It is amazing.

We went to see Guardians of the Galaxy II. I laughed so hard, I missed a lot. It was fun to be with my kids and laugh at a movie. I can't wait to see it again so I can hear the parts I missed. Family time is important.

On Tuesday, my mother-in-law and father-in-law flew in from Utah for my daughter's graduation. (It has been a really busy few days!) It was so nice to have them in my home. No stress, no worry. No running around the house screaming at everyone, freaked about being judged and not having everything perfect. No stress at all. It was wonderful. I find myself using these words which I never thought I would use to define my life: wonderful, amazing, peaceful, stress free. I love my life.

We had a great visit. Graduation was wonderful. I was able to give Zerin her diploma; a perk for teaching at Marist. She is such a beautiful young woman! She's been working on her mission papers. I'm so very proud of her! She graduated from Seminary on Sunday.

Sunday night, we had a family CoDA meeting. My mother-in-law joined us. Step 9 really comes in to play throughout all of recovery, especially when you don't see people every day. I found myself getting to apologize for the way I treated my family, to someone who saw the horrible way I treated my family. It was nice to explain to her what it means to be codependent. So many people assume codependency means you need someone and can't live or function without them. I wish codependency was that nice. Codependency is such an evil addiction.

I didn't need people. I needed to control people. I needed people to do exactly what I wanted them to do and if they didn't I treated them like they were worthless. Now, I didn't do this to everyone, just my family members. That was my norm. That was how I was raised. I lived my life with rage pulsing through me. I didn't feel love or lovable. I felt like I was always right and everything wrong with my life had to do with other people. Other people were my trials.

I couldn't sit still for any length of time. I had to do, do, do until I was so busy I couldn't think about anything. Doing made me happy-ish. I had moments of happiness, but for the most part, I was angry and depressed. I didn't understand why I felt so out of control and crazy. I was suicidal and wanted nothing more than to run away. I pushed away all the people who loved me. I didn't deserve their love. I was fat and unattractive. I started projects and then fell short when it came to completing anything. I was a failure.

My children saw two sides of me. The one who gave to everyone else and the one who gave so little to them. The one who never said a mean word and the one who always yelled.

I had no peace in my life. Several months ago, I went over the Characteristics of Codependent People and I had seven or eight things I needed to work on. I went over the list last week and I don't have any of the characteristics. In fact, I find myself asking myself, why would you ever live like that? There are a couple characteristics which talk about being from an abused home. I can't change that, but it no longer has to define who I am. I am no longer a victim.

I'm almost eleven months into this recovery journey and I'm amazed at how far I've come. I enjoy the quiet times. I can sit in a room and just enjoy being in the room with those I love. I'm not in a rush to do things, I'm happy just being around my family. I love sitting in church with my family, knowing I am the same person at church as I am at home and school.

I'm considering, for my ten year goal, going back to school and become a family and marriage therapist. I feel I have a calling to help others. It's the first time in my life I'm making goals for my future. It's really awesome. I recognize the signs of codependency in other people and know they don't have to live with craziness. I know they can become the people Heavenly Father truly wants them to be. I know they can have peace, so can you!