Days 295-302

I've made it 10 months. Saturday, I went to a meeting and received my 9 month chip. I've been out of town and things happen, so I've been away from my meetings. Let me say that I LOVE my CoDA meetings.

I was there with a woman celebrating 13 years in the program. 13 YEARS! I thought I want that in my life. She was so kind, she gave me her 11 year chip and said, "You can make it!" Amazing group of people.

There are two things I wanted to talk about today the first is ISOLATION. One of the things I did as a codependent was to isolate my family from the outside world. I did this in many ways. I wouldn't let them go to parties or invite people over. I would stop them from going with friends and come up with excuses for them not to get their driver's licenses. Anything to keep them under my control.

In my own life, I would make excuses for not being social. Whenever there was something going on at church, I would hide myself away and wash dishes in the kitchen. I always used to say I did this because I didn't want to lie to people when they asked me how I was. This was sort of true. I was miserable and didn't know why. When people, who I thought were trustworthy, would ask, I would tell them everything everyone in my family was doing wrong. All the dirty laundry would get spread out for them to see. I caused so much damage. I got people on my side against my family.

I hid myself away, always making excuses to not be social. I didn't need friends. I was so sad, miserable, and lonely.

I realize now, I need friends. Friends won't destroy my marriage or ruin my family. What a silly thought that was! I never saw that growing up. Now, I see the importance of it. So, I'm on the hunt for good friends.

The second topic of the day is Love me. I would always sign my emails with these two words. Now, it wasn't a Love comma me. It was a command, love me. I did this because I felt like no one loved me. I felt like a victim. I felt unlovable and it was my way of screaming it to the world. Oh, the many ways I tried to control people. My favorite Promise of Co-Dependents Anonymous is I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy. I am. I do. I have people who I trust and they make amazing decisions! I feel safe. I feel love and it isn't something I have to demand. Recovery is amazing!