Days 286-294

Post date: Apr 16, 2017 10:56:06 PM


Happy Easter! I have truly enjoyed all of our Easter activities. It used to be we went to my mom's house and she did everything. She colored the eggs, 18 per child, got baskets, hid the eggs, and made dinner. Now I know that sounds wonderful, but it wasn't. I felt like I couldn't do any of that or even help. Well, guess what! This year, we colored eggs, as a family. My oldest hid the eggs while we were at church, and we all had fun finding them. I even found the last elusive egg. I got matching Easter baskets and actually asked the kids what they wanted in their baskets. Lots of good stuff, very little candy. I love my kids.

We went to an neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt, for my youngest. I'm not sure how long it has been since we've done that.

The world is different now that I don't come home and pretend I don't exist. Or get pissed off because my family asks something of me. I sit with my computer in the computer room, with my kids. It is amazing. Life is amazing.

As I get further and further away from this addiction called codependency, I find myself wondering what is normal. I used to watch family shows on tv and think they couldn't possibly be real. Families weren't happy. They didn't do things together. They were just strangers living under the same roof. We didn't have family time, family vacations, family anything. We weren't a family.

I feel like I'm past the backsliding hill of what I once was. This does not mean I don't have moments, but now they are rare and I see them for what they are. I'm learning more and more how to set boundaries to keep myself and my family safe. I'm asking for help when I need help.

I'm left wondering what families do. I know that sounds so strange, but I wonder all the same. I love spending time with them, doing simple things, like playing Uno, reading scriptures, family prayer. I miss them when they are not around. I genuinely miss them.

I'm planning parties and actually inviting people over. I was never really able to do that before. I would go into a state of panic. I got so tired of my mom telling me how filthy my home was. At the times she came over, I was doing the best I could and I never felt that was good enough.

I know, now, my worth is not dependent on what my mother thinks. My husband, has, for years, asked me why I cared what my mom thought. I, as a child of a codependent, needed that acceptance. I know, now, I will never have that and I'm ok. I'm great actually. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good enough. Likewise, I don't need anyone yelling at me and telling me I'm "of the devil" or a liar. I don't need my mother's approval. It isn't worth much.

I have the love and respect of my husband and children. The greatest joy in my life is within the walls of my own home. Now, if I can just figure out what normal families do.

Happy Easter! I have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That He bled for me in Garden of Gethsemane, carried the cross to Calvary, died there, and was resurrected, never to leave me alone. I know He did this for me, because He loves me. He loves you. You are worthy of that love. Enjoy your family!