Days 232 - 234

Post date: Feb 15, 2017 3:00:52 PM


This journey thing, it's been a journey. I've always struggled with my weight and liking myself. At the age of 12 I developed an eating disorder and carried that with me throughout most of my life. I never felt thin enough, even at 125 pounds or 85 pounds. I rationalized people liking me based on my size. I never, ever, was good enough. Liking myself has been on my top 10 things to do, since this journey began.

Monday, I was sitting at my friend's consignment sale, watching hundreds, literally, of women. Some were super fat, some super skinny, some with big boobs, others with nothing, big butts, small butts, all different shapes and sizes. I was larger than some, smaller than others. Taller than some and shorter than others. I saw women wearing workout clothes when, clearly, they had never worked out. I thought to myself, how can they do that? How can they wear clothing that is so tight, show so much skin, and be ok about it. I wouldn't even wear a bathing suit without feeling super self-conscious. Everyone would see all my flaws, right?

Then, I thought of Friday. There was this health fair at work. I signed up to do a free health screening. The people took my height, weight, blood, and waist measurements. They added up all their numbers and sat down with me. "You are obese," they told me. It shocked me. In fact, I was .94 away from being extremely obese. I looked at the woman and said, "I used to weigh 250 pounds, that was obese, I'm good."

I lost 125 pounds. I weighed 125 pounds and I felt horrible about myself. Yes, I fit into a size 6, but I was a saggy bag of bones. I felt frail and weak.

Put Friday and Monday together and you have today. I like me. I like my curves and imperfections. Last night, I wore a dress I had purchased several months ago. The "when I lose weight and look better" I'll wear dress. I put it on and was happy. I looked amazing. I am not a perfect anything. I am just me. I'm good with being just me.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to sit back and do nothing, I'm taking care of myself. Exercising and eating good foods. Yes, I have a belly, and I also have 5 kids. Yes, I have stretch marks and parts of me are sagging, it's still me. I like me.

I think that's what those other women feel. They are ok with themselves.

Oh, and I did win a Fitbit Blaze, so now I know what time it is!

Journeys, sometimes they lead you down roads you didn't expect.