Days 216 - 224

SATURDAY - SUNDAY

Something really remarkable happened tonight. I don't feel well. My head hurts, I'm super crabby. I just want to take a nap. In the past, I believe my family fed off of this. I was crabby, said something rude, and then the whole house exploded into chaos. Tonight, I was crabby, said something rude, apologized, and everyone just kept living their lives. No rude comments back, no reacting. Just enjoying dinner together. Mali even came out of her room to eat as a family. AS A FAMILY. What the what? And we laughed. Talked. It was awesome. I still feel sick, but I didn't stay crabby. No one exploded or imploded. When everyone is busy taking care of themselves, my actions aren't so caustic. I'm not going to be all roses and sunshine. Some days, I'm just going to need a nap.

I've had a rough week. I realized the worst thing I've "normed" my family is the smile and nod mentality. Just pretend everything is OK, even though it isn't. So picture this: home is hell. Mom yells all the time, reacts, controls, belittles, ignores, treats everyone like garbage, and basically just wants to not exist. Then my children to go church, where mom gives everything to those there. She's such a great person, she's so nice, she's awesome, don't you know? Only they know the real me, but have to smile and nod. Then my kids go to my school. A place where I gave everything. I helped everyone, I did so much, I helped in ways which took time away from my family. Again, I'm amazing. Don't you know?

One daughter told me several months ago it was amazing to not have to pretend anymore. Last week, two other daughters decided they didn't want to pretend anymore. They want to get better. They want to love and take care of themselves. It's amazing.

I have joy. I spend my days smiling. I feel love and loved.

Today in church, during the closing prayer, a woman, who English is a 2nd language said words which were so amazing. They really made me think. She began with "Precious Heavenly Father." Precious. I've heard many things, but that was the first time I've heard Him called Precious. He truly is Precious.

Then she went on to say, "Thank you for all the testimonies which were born today." Born. New life. Isn't that what happens when you bear your testimony? Doesn't it come to life? The longer you share it, you watch it grow, it becomes something precious.

Recovery is amazing.