Days 204 - 206

Post date: Jan 18, 2017 11:25:28 PM


Last night, on my knees, praying, I realized something. Seven months ago, on the floor, on my knees, feeling lower than I have ever felt in my life, I prayed.

I prayed to know why.

I pray to know why people were treating me the way they were.

I prayed to know what to do to change my situation.

I prayed to know how to change people.

I prayed to know why me, why always me.

I prayed to have deliverance from the woes of my life.

I prayed for a new life.

I prayed for the end of all my misery.

I was a pile of goo on the floor. I was so wrapped up in so many things, I'm not sure I was really praying. I was in 100% victim mode. Look at me and my pitiful life. Look how bad it is. Why is everyone treating me so poorly? I am a good person. Look at all the stuff I do. Why do people treat me this way? And on and on and on. Days and days of groveling on the floor, wanting answers and demanding them, now.

I went to the temple, around this time. I had been receiving the same answer, over and over again, "You need to let Jared go." It was quite frustrating as I didn't know what that meant and I was trying my best to do it. In the temple I prayed, this time I got no answers. It was beyond frustrating. Walking to my car the thought entered my mind, "You get no answers until you do what you have been told."

Again, I hit the floor, lower than ever before, begging to know what I was to do. Getting the answer to let him go and the picture of me drowning and him trying to swim. I prayed to let him go, whatever that meant and I did. The next day my journey of recovery from codependency began.

Now, when I hit the floor and pray, I thank God for so many things. I no longer have a mind full of doubt and woe. I am no longer a pile of goo. I am confident. I am blessed. I am happy. I am learning. I am in a really good spot. Me. Happy. Imagine that.

I don't pray to get answers, I don't need to know things. I don't need to be wrapped up in all that. I just need to live my life and find joy in this journey. I don't need a magic eight ball to shake or God to give me all the answers. It is His plan. I just need to follow along and know I'm in good hands.