Days 197 - 203

Post date: Jan 15, 2017 11:18:03 PM


I've learned quite a few things over the past week. I've learned 6 months is not really a long time. I believe I have come a long way from what I used to be, but I don't have this all solved. I still have a long way to go to undo my norms and create new norms. A part of me just wants to be normal and I guess I'm learning what that means.

Today, in church, all over the world, the lesson was the same. Millions and millions of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints received the same bit of knowledge. Now, I've heard this lesson many times in the course of my membership, but it never hit me as hard as it did today.

When we repent of our sins, Jesus remembers them no more. The sins and transgressions are wiped out. I've spent so many moments in my life thinking about the crap I've done wrong. I remember thinking, why don't I just forget all this crap? Jesus forgot it, why can't I? Maybe I haven't repented of it enough. Maybe I'm just not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Then, today, a man said something I had never thought of, "We remember our sins so we don't repeat them." Satan wants us to feel guilty and wallow in something we've already repented of, to make us feel bad.

I don't know why this struck me as so amazing, except, I have spent a lot of my life wallowing in stuff I've repented of. I guess that falls under the not liking myself category.

I've struggled with a lot of things in my life. I never really "appreciated" people being nice to me, because I never felt like I should have people be nice to me. I never thought I deserved it.

I realized it's good to take time for myself. To go away and just think. I can't be everything to everyone or even something to someone if I'm not taking care of myself. One great bit of advice from my therapist was to let my husband know when I'll be back. Even if I'm pissed off, I still need to let him know when I'll be back. I guess I do have abandonment issues, we all do, in some way.

I don't like my children, the codependent ones, being codependent. I don't like the way they treat each other. I don't like the way they treat me. Today, we went for a drive. My daughter needed to see an exhibit. We wandered around the campus and couldn't find anything. My daughter shut down. She wasn't talking, she wasn't saying what she needed, she wasn't saying what was wrong, it was so frustrating. Yet, I saw, in my mind's eye, so many times I'd done the same thing.

I found out the thing I was worried about worked itself out. It was frustrating when people weren't communicating.

I was never good at communicating. I was good at being pissed off. I was good at getting angry because people weren't doing what I wanted them to do, only I never told people what I wanted.

Six months. I don't feel like I'm doing as well as I could be doing. I've acknowledged the fact I am exhausted. Exhaustion makes everything overwhelming.

I need a nap. I baked a chocolate cake, from scratch, homemade frosting, can't wait to eat it. Cake makes everything better.