Days 188 - 193
Post date: Jan 5, 2017 9:33:50 PM
SATURDAY - THURSDAY
Happy New Year! It's five days in and I've had a whirl wind of things going on. I have one thing in particular really stressing me out, like a lot. Only thing, I'm not really free to talk about it. It's kept me up more than one night and I've really been struggling with it. I'm trying so very hard to not be negative, it will all work out, but there are so many emotions tied up in this, that it is hard not to be worried.
I KNOW WORRYING DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING. It never has and it never will. This thing, however, is really turning out to be a big bugger in my life.
I was in such a state of panic Monday night, that when my father-in-law tried to calm me down, I totally lost it. I walked out of the restaurant, into the rain, across the parking lot, and cried. I have worked very hard to be a positive person. I believe I'm doing pretty good, this however, has been really hard. Time will tell with this one. It should all be over by Sunday. Or at least I will know more on Sunday.
I had a wonderful Christmas. I had a wonderful New Years. I had a wonderful time with my in-laws. I'm not sure I've ever made that statement before. I enjoyed my two weeks with them. Totally enjoyed it. I don't think I had one moment of stress over them coming. One second of fear or doubt or anxiety. Do you know how amazing that is? Well if you don't, know it is totally amazing. I laughed a lot. We talked, played games, ate together, prayed together, so basically did family stuff. It was so nice to have them in my home.
I noticed when they first arrived, a certain stand-off-ish-ness. Like stepping on glass and waiting to see if it hurt. After a couple of minutes both of them relaxed and it was peaceful the rest of the visit. I can only imagine the hell I put them through, for years. Always wondering what kind of mood I was going to be in. If I was mad or raging. If I was ok or depressed. Those were my four moods. They varied in degree, but were always present.
My brother reached out to me. He asked if I had my grandmother's pictures. I packaged up three boxes, well over a thousand pictures, I'd say and sent them to him. You can see some of the pictures on the Joseph and Appolonia Propson Family Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/propsonfamilypage/. The pictures are of many people I don't know. I just knew they were important to my grandmother, that's why I got them all and kept them safe. It is nice to see people enjoying them.
The pictures lead to a conversation with my aunt about her mother. I believe my grandmother was codependent. If you were to check boxes on the check-list, my grandmother was almost all of the characteristics. I'm saying this, by looking back and seeing what I saw, knowing, now, what I know. I was able to talk to my aunt and share what I've learned. I directed her to Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This book literally changed my life. I have peace and my family now lives in a home, because of the guidance I found in this book. I have found healing and understanding. I have found forgiveness and been forgiven.
The last words my son uttered before going into the Missionary Training Center, in September of 2015, were, "Don't get a divorce." He knew how very broken I was. He saw what I didn't see, or parts of it. I think of him coming home to a home, this September. A place where contention isn't intentional. Where kind words are spoken. Now, I've got a house full of teenagers, so it isn't always going to be contention free, but at least it won't be radiating from me.
I still have steps to take. I still have meetings to attend. I still have a long way to go. I like this path I am on. I feel stronger and more confident then I ever have before. I am truly excited for the next adventure. Still worried about Sunday, and yes, I need to let that go.