Days 181 - 183

Post date: Dec 27, 2016 12:57:55 AM


So what does Christmas look like in a non-codependent home. I wasn't stressed over anything. Nothing. Having my in-laws at my house is wonderful. I'm not yelling, upset, angry, or reacting. I'm just being me and it's wonderful. Really wonderful.

I've been listening to the book on Non-Violent Communication. It's interesting. I've become aware of some of my abnormal norms with my family. Reactions which really don't make sense, but the fact that those reactions are always the same, means it has become norms to my family. I could spend my time wondering why they do the things they do, or just try to do things differently. Anyway, hopefully those screwed up norms will change with time.

Christmas started with Church at 9:00, coming home and making breakfast with Mali, opening presents, taking a nap, and spending a few hours talking to Xanthos. It was wonderful. No stress. No worries.

I got to spend an hour talking to my dad. It amazed me how much I love him. How happy I was for his successes. How worried I was for his surgery and recovery. How amazed I was at what an awesome man he is. I asked him if I could call him more often, he said, "Anytime, sweetheart." He also said he spends time out in his workshop thinking and worrying about me. I truly felt loved by my father. Another first in my life. Not that he didn't love me before, but I now can feel that love and concern. AMAZING.

Xanthos. Dearest Xanthos. Six months ago, I got to see his beautiful face and hear his beautiful voice. I remember the anguish on his face, his concern, his worry. Things were not good at home. Things were about to get better. A lot better. This journey has not been easy, but I believe I am getting better. And it started shortly after Xan's Mother's Day call home.

Yesterday, after the whole family got to talk to Xan and him having to run to a dinner, I finally got a few minutes alone with my son. Or sort of alone. I got to tell my missionary son, who has spent the last 6 months wondering if I am truly OK, that I was in fact, doing really well. I got to tell him I was happy. Most importantly, I got to tell him how proud I was of him. How grateful he always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. How right he was all the times he knew I was suicidal and close to the breaking point. For loving someone so very broken as me. And then, I got to tell him how very sorry I am for all the crap I'd put him through. All the insanity I brought to his world. I got to tell him that I love him. That I miss him. Truly love and miss him. Emotions which are real.

I've put my family through so much over the past how many years they have been in my life. 24 years for Jared, 23 years for Taisha, 20 years for Xan, 18 years for Zerin, 14 years for Mali, and 7 years for Daxton. 41 years of codependency for me. It's time for the cycle to end.