Days 168 - 169

Post date: Dec 12, 2016 7:49:09 PM


This past week, being sick was hard. I felt like a monster. I yelled, I cried, I cussed. All I wanted was a nap. Sometimes you don't get to take naps and you have to be nice anyway. I'm learning I have a wide array of feelings. All of them make up who I am. It is OK to have a bad day. It is OK to be tired. It is OK to take a nap. I'll make it through even if I don't take a nap. :)

In church on Sunday, there was an interesting talk. It was about missing people during the holidays. As I sat there thinking, it occurred to me that I never really missed anyone. Never really let myself miss people. Not people whom I no longer saw, people who had passed away, or those far away. Missing someone was not something I'd ever done.

A few days earlier, as I tried to take a nap, again, recovering from a nasty cold, I looked over to Jared's side of the bed and I felt this longing. This strange pull at my heart. It took me awhile to figure out what it was, but eventually I did. I missed him. Now, I know you probably think that sounds silly. How can I be married to someone for 23 years and never miss them. Easy. I never let my guard down. Never let myself be vulnerable.

On Sunday, talking to a friend in the hallway, I couldn't stop crying. I would miss my family if something happened to them. Truly miss them. That was a terrifying thought. One, because it left me so open to hurt and two, because I would really miss them.

Leaving home makes me sad now. I used to be so happy to leave. Now, I can't wait to go home and be with my family. I love spending time with them. I love being around them. I LOVE THEM.

Saturday night, Jared and I went to a concert. We had General Admission tickets, so we were surrounded by 200 people we didn't know, most of whom were drunk, all of whom were there to have fun. The music was loud and the crowd was rowdy. It was wonderful to have Jared behind me, fending off the would be mosh-pit gang; holding back the flying elbows and slamming bodies. I felt safe.

I know these are things I should have felt all my life, but I never did. I never felt safe. I never felt loved. I never missed anyone, not the way I do now.

It is amazing to see how brightly my family can shine without me trying to control them. They are amazing people.

Amazing, wonderful, scary things have happened these past six months. I am happy. Happy is such an amazing place to live. I am loved. Love is such a marvelous feeling. I can acknowledge how I am feeling, even when it isn't happy or loved. I can work towards getting back to loved and happy.