Days 134 - 142

Post date: Nov 15, 2016 3:16:12 PM


Gosh, it has been a super long week. I've had lots of time to think this week. I've started a codependent group meeting with my family. It really isn't anonymous, but it works. Once a week, we are going to go over the core material and share a thought on what we need to work on. This Sunday, we focused on this thought:

“We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but don’t forfeit your self-esteem to another’s disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. If you have done something inappropriate or you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But don’t reject yourself, and don’t give so much power to other people’s rejection of you. It isn’t necessary” ― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

My thoughts on the topic were simple. I care too much what people think. Aren't I supposed to? No, not really. Opinions are just that. They are bits of advice which can be taken or discarded. What others think of me should NOT be who I am. I am still ok. I am still real. I am still learning. I am still broken. I can change my behaviors based on the guidance of others, so long as it is something I feel needs to be done. I am a work in progress.

It is so important, in this battle of codependency, to not sit back and assume we are getting better. Yes, we are growing, changing, improving, but we are not fixed. We are a complex bag of emotions. We feel, sometimes way too much about way too many things. We need to take time for ourselves. To become the person God wants us to be. To find joy in this journey. It is a journey. Little by little, it is a journey.

So how do we become? I used the following thought in seminary this morning:

Last night, I went to a band concert. The first group to play were mostly new comers, 7th graders. They played the notes correctly, but weren't really playing music. The second group had practiced a bit more, were around for another year and they played some music, but again, mostly just the correct notes. The final group to play was the marching band. They practiced for the past 3 months, several times a week, several hours each practice. They marched out with confidence. They played music and it was awesome. Or at least I thought it was awesome.

After the concert, I went to find my daughter, whom I thought played beautifully. I passed by three members of the band complaining about how horrible they did. All the notes they missed, how they were off tempo or something like that. They saw the work in progress, I saw the masterpiece.

People are amazed at how far I have come in the past few months. I see myself as a work in progress. Both are correct. Both have value. Little by little, with effort on my part and faith in God, I will overcome this thing that has been me for so long. Instead of earning a letter and a letter jacket, I am earning days and chips. I cannot be passive in this war for my freedom from codependency. It is a battle.

I know when I get upset. I know that if I don't stop and take time to regroup and relax, it only gets worse. I know my frustration and crazy quickly flows to my family. Their levels of anxiety skyrocket. They feed off the crazy.

Peace. Be. Still. I am at peace. I matter. Forever and always.