Days 117 - 120

Post date: Oct 24, 2016 7:21:20 PM


I had an interesting weekend. I went to my CoDA meeting and really enjoyed it. Afterwards, I was talking with someone who just found out she was codependent 2 weeks ago. She said she was on cloud 9, not caring what people thought of her, being super productive at work, everything was looking up and then WHAM. She was back to worrying if she was doing things correctly, worrying if people liked her. Worrying about EVERYTHING. She wondered why she had fallen so far so quickly.

The thing about codependency is it is a LIFETIME recovery program. It's not like a hang nail you can just pull out and wait for it to heal.

I'm learning how to set boundaries and be a good parent. I don't think we ever really punished our kids. I mean I took my son's door and bed once, but other than that, my kids, all 5 of them, have gotten away with everything. I don't have horrible kids, but when I ask for them to do their jobs, more often than not, I'm the one doing the jobs. I'm the one getting mad they aren't doing what I asked, yet I'm not doing anything about it.

In punishing, there is no judgement. There is no anger, no malice, no name calling, no belittling, just a "You did something wrong. You knew the punishment, here it is."

It's odd. My oldest is in total rebellion. She is an adult. Only she's still a child in my home. Rules need to be followed, without exception, if they are to be fair.

I'm learning. It is good. It is a slow process, as I have a tendency to react.

I am working on The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous. I need to know what my self-worth is. I am working towards serenity and peace in my life. I'm slowly getting there. Meetings help. A supportive husband helps. Living in a home with 2 other codependents, in active denial, doesn't help. My peace cannot be wrapped around them. I need to not react and focus on myself.

I need to learn to become more loving and supportive.

I need to do all the things found on the list.

A man showed up to a meeting. He didn't know if he was codependent or not. Just knew things were out of his control. Then he read the Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence. He said it was literally like bells going off in his head. He wasn't crazy, he was codependent. I think a lot of times we think we are crazy. Sometimes, when we are being codependent, the crazy does creep in, but it doesn't have to stay. Learning to acknowledge what is going on is key.

I'm learning. It is all I can do. I have mastered nothing, yet. I need to get a sponsor, for those days when things seem to spiral out of control. How did my family deal with 3 codependent people living under one roof? It explains a lot about our family dynamics.

We didn't do a lot of things together as a family, partly because the contention was so great. Eating at the table, though required, was generally not a pleasant event. Someone always ended up storming off.

This weekend, we went to a fall festival with Daxton. He's 7. I think this was his real fall festival. It was nice to go. It was nice to spend time and money on my 7-year-old. I think he is forgotten often.

It was nice to go to the fireside at church on Sunday. It was amazing to just sit and listen to music. Please note, this is something that 121 days ago, I NEVER would have done. I never enjoyed music, at all.

The best line from the night was: "the Spirit will speak to you in the spaces between the notes and the words." I felt the Spirit so strongly. I cried, I laughed, I enjoyed myself.

I can't change people. I can't worry about people. I CAN pray for people. I CAN love people. That is all I CAN do.