Day 5

Post date: Jul 25, 2016 4:11:38 PM


Generally, I hate flying. When I say hate flying, I mean HATE flying. Usually, I'm up all night, I have a stomach ache, diarrhea, headache, and I'm mean and nasty to everyone. I woke up excited to go. I packed quickly, kissed the kids goodbye, and headed to the airport. I even took time to walk to the terminal and enjoy the beautiful artwork. I never knew the airport had such amazing artwork. I got to the terminal feeling refreshed and excited to fly to Utah.

My in-laws life in Utah. Most of my husband's family and extended family live in Utah. My daughter is visiting my in-laws. My son is even serving a mission in Utah. I will be one hour away from him and I haven't seen him in 10 months.

In the past, any visits from me have resulted in a whirl wind of chaos. My in-laws would spend every waking moment around me, walking on egg shells. They were afraid to say things, because they didn't know how I would react. Generally, I was mad 95% of the time. You could feel the tension every time I visited. It was painful. When people would drop by to visit, there was always a moment of hesitation to see what kind of mood I was in and could they actually greet me or should they just leave me alone and find someone nicer to talk to.

I sat in the airport, listening to Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I found peace in the words, which only days early had awakened me to my codependency. I was amazed the words hadn't changed. Silly thought, but it was mine. I had heard correctly. All the things I had heard were mine to absorb and understand and deal with.

I sat peacefully waiting for my flight to begin boarding. No stress, no worries, it was amazing. I kept glancing over my shoulder at all the people lining up at the gate. A whole herd of people anxiously waiting to board. Didn't the guy just say they were waiting for the crew to arrive? After 20 minutes I figured I should join in the fray, although I didn't want to. I just wanted to sit and enjoy my book.

I found my seat and quickly settled in. I got out my 12 Step binder and began reading. I completed Steps 1-3 during my four hour flight.

I didn't even notice the landing, the part that scared me the most.

I welcomed my father-in-law and daughter with true joy and love. It's amazing what NOT worrying about something I can't change does for a person.

We talked about stuff on the way to my in-law's house, it was basic chit chat. When we got to their house, I was a bit nervous. How would I be greeted? It had been a rough 23 years. The past 6 months had been full of so much hurt and pain. What was it going to be like?

I spent the next four hours talking to my mother-in-law about my codependency. We both cried. I acknowledged the way I used to make everyone feel. The craziness I brought into not only my life, but the lives of everyone around me. There was much healing in those four-hours.

At one point, my daughter said, "I told you, you were codependent a year ago." I was shocked. No she didn't. Then I remember her making the comment. At that time, I thought a codependent person was someone who couldn't live without another person. I knew I could live without my husband, I didn't NEED him in my life. I had no idea a codependent person loses themselves in their quest, either conscious or unconscious to control others. Needless to say, my daughter rolled her eyes at my discovery.

What I discovered is a year ago, I wasn't ready to find out I was codependent. I wasn't ready for change. I hadn't fallen far enough to want change.

I hadn't watched my step-father die, try to resuscitate him, fail, plan his funeral, and give is eulogy. Only to have my grandmother die three months later. Send a child on a mission the day after her funeral. Visit with my Godmother, my last, before she passed away a few months later. I wasn't able to go to her funeral. I couldn't take the time. I should have, I know that now, but I couldn't then.

My grief was extensive. I taught seminar, taught school, came home, put on my pjs (most days, some days it was just garments), and sat on my bed. I ceased to function as a human being. This lasted six months.

I was awakened when my brave husband asked me for a divorce in December.

I finished the day by visiting my favorite person in the world, my husband's grandmother. It was an amazing visit. It was an amazing day.