Day 43

Post date: Aug 9, 2016 1:45:08 PM


Dealing with codependent people is exhausting. I have five children. Yes, I believe in birth control, I have them one at a time, no twins or triplets for me.

My oldest daughter and youngest daughter are both struggling with codependent behaviors. My youngest is a ticking time bomb. My oldest is playing the victim. Yesterday, after two very late nights, I had the joy of spending most of the day with them.

My youngest was constantly yelling and complaining about how unfair everything was. After spending a bit of time actually cooking a decent meal, she made a nasty comment about hating what I had cooked. New recipe. Never cooked it before. Pretty darn sure it tasted yummy. But still her negativity was appalling. I left the table, threw down my plate for the dogs to eat, and went for a walk.

Later, my oldest broke down during scriptures. She started to cry and just left. After scriptures and prayers, I went into her room. She was sobbing about how tired she was, how overworked she was, how exhausted she was.

I yelled back at her about how she wasn't taking care of herself. She could be a victim for the rest of her life, or she could actually start taking care of herself. She could take a day off. Rest. Relax. Go get a massage. Get her nails done. Something. ANYTHING. She just needed to start taking care of herself. The world wouldn't stop if she took a day or half day off. She's been working super hard, like most codependents, above and beyond what is sane, and it's time she took time for herself.

I'm not sure how she felt about our talk. I emailed my son, who is on a mission in Utah, to tell him that I wasn't being mean to his sister. I just needed her to start taking care of herself.

She cried some more, then her sisters volunteered to go along for massages. I got her out of bed, something that rarely happens when she works. She works from home or rather she works from her bed. Not a good thing. Something quite depressing actually. We went and registered her for kickboxing. This morning, she got up and we went kickboxing. I enjoyed it. She seemed to also.

Step 1: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. This includes actually getting out of bed. Leaving the house. Doing something good for yourself, like exercise. AND not feeling guilty you did something for yourself.

Now, for my youngest. She's angry all the time. Like a volcano ready to explode with one wrong comment. The sad thing is I was both of my daughters. I played the victim and was mad all the time. I do find it kind of amusing that my traits split between the two of them.

Did I mention Heavenly Father is AMAZING for letting me see what I was? Now if only He would help them see what they are.

Yesterday was so tough. Every comment I made to my youngest was met with bitterness. Why me? Why ONLY me? Why ALWAYS me? And lots of other mean things. It was EXHAUSTING. And to think my family endured this for years. Poor people.

My youngest is still sleeping, who knows what kind of mood she will be in. She has really bad acne. She doesn't follow doctor's orders and use prescribed medications, so her face gets pretty bad. When she does do what's been asked, it clears up, then she sabotages it. Been happening for years. She is my hypochondriac. Have to go to the doctor for an ear infection and then doesn't take the medicine. She is in a constant state of woe and misery, a majority of it is self-inflicted. To be honest, I'm tired of pointing it out.

I can't wait to go back to school. Maybe being around others who are NOT codependent will help my youngest want to change her behaviors. She lost many friends because she was "bossy" and "controlling". Their words, not mine. This is a new start for her. But again, I can't change her.

I need a nap. Kickboxing was wonderful, but I'm drained. Completely.

I feel really bad I got mad last night. My husband just stared at me in disbelief. I wonder if a part of him thought I'd go back to codependent crazy. I wasn't being codependent. I was angry, tired, and upset.

This is a battle I plan on making it through to the end. I'm not sure if it is a win or lose battle, just one I need to keep fighting.

I talked to my mom last week. She was mean and nasty. And then she was a sad victim. I was nice and polite, agreeing with her statements and not letting her get to me. It's easy to not let her get to me, I just don't have contact with her. Living with codependent people I'm in charge of taking care of (as a mother, NOT a codependent) is harder. I can't just not call them or talk to them. I interact with them all day long.

So I'm going to take a quick nap, I need to take care of myself, and then work on my to do list. I have lots to do, but don't need to do them all at once, today, or even this week. If things slip, it will all be ok.