Days 179 - 180

Post date: Dec 23, 2016 3:34:43 PM


Six months. It's been six months since this journey began. So where am I? I'm not worried. I'm not stressed. I feel like I am working at getting better. I'm not fixed, I'm not perfect, but I am trying.

The hardest part of my life is being surrounded by the codependent people I've "created". It's like living with alcoholics who don't want to quit drinking. The reacting is demoralizing. Watching them treat others so poorly is disheartening. They just don't get it.

One is constantly finding things wrong with herself. She hates this, she hates that, look at this mark, look at this bump. Yet, when a cure is put forth, "oh never mind." It's insanity. Just love and take care of yourself and all those flaws go away. They just become a part of you and no longer are the focus of you. Who cares what your hair looks like, or if you have a million zits. Put the damn cream on that the doctor prescribed, wait the month or so she said to wait, while putting the cream on every day and night, like prescribed, and THEN see if it works. The constant sabotaging of good is insane.

The negativity. It is so oppressive.

As a parent, I've done many things wrong. I brought awful norms to my family. I am trying to change.

I never set boundaries with my kids. Never really punished them or followed through. They take advantage of that now.

I can't change people. Living with codependent people is hell. I'm sorry for all those who had to endure what I dished out for so many years. Payback, I guess.

In searching:

The following tips can help prevent codependency and create a positive parent-child relationship.

1. Establish a trusting relationship.

2. Maintain healthy boundaries.

3. Set reasonable rules.

4. Set realistic expectations.

5. Encourage your child to openly express his/her thoughts and feelings.

6. Provide a nurturing and supportive environment.

7. Allow your child to explore and be independent.

8. Encourage problem solving. Don't rush to fix everything, rather guide and encourage your child to find the solution.

9. Provide positive feedback and give lots of compliments.

10. Build self-esteem by encouraging your child to try new things, and to persevere with difficult tasks. Believe in your child's ability to achieve.

11. Most importantly, build them up with words, don't tear them down...

And why not a wiki? wikiHow to Deal With a Codependent Family Member. It only takes 7 steps.

I love this from Step 3: The most effective responses seem to be non-emotional, similar to calm responses such as: "Sorry, I just wouldn't be comfortable doing that", or "Yes, I see that you don't have the same point of view; we are not communicating". This can be difficult for the newly non-codependent, but try to see that - as an adult - you don't owe anyone an explanation.

As an adult, I don't owe anyone an explanation.

AND: Understand that if you come from a codependent family you have been practicing a form of "violent communication" - likely for your whole life. Look into "Non-Violent Communication", and give it a chance; this is how mature people talk to each other, in spirit. Practice-Nonviolent-Communication.

Step 4: Expect change to be slow. Change in codependent behavior comes slowly, but have faith that your attitude is bringing about profound changes. Take care though; sometimes it is even possible that your change in reactions to codependent behavior may incite anger, and verbal or even physical violence toward you from another family member. Understand that often a big component in codependency is fear.

There's some other great articles at the bottom of the page, including: wikiHow to Deal With an Extremely Codependent Family

I'll let you know how the research goes!

For now, I've decided to listen to:

Nonviolent Communication: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values, By Marshall Rosenberg.

I get to talk to my missionary Sunday! So very excited.